May I Never Become Complacent

So, I have been down the past few days (off and on), mostly at night. It has been really hard to deal with as I have the fear deep inside of me that my depression is going to once more plague my life. Tomorrow is one month since I was healed, and while I have had some rough times, I have no doubt that I am still in fact healed. Now, I am still on medication, because a chemical imbalance exists in my brain, the difference is that before meds did me no good, now they are just there, for now. I tried tapering them back, but it didn't go well, so I will just wait. Taking a few pills daily really isn't an inconvenience, so I shall stick with it. I feel that this is what most likely has been going on the entire time the pills were "doing nothing" : I believe that the pills are there for the physical and to a degree mental aspect, and that they were probably doing their job in that sense. The problem was my spirit. I couldn't clean out all of the clouds in my brain/heart to make way for the medication to work until I was right with God. Once my spiritual healing happened, things fell into place. Now, I pray that one day pills will not be needed, but whatever God's Will is is what will be. I am okay with that.

Anyway, I have never in my life sought out God the way I have in the past month, unless the nights of sobbing and crying out to Him are counted. That kind of hit me hard today. "Why is this happening?" and "Was this all just a big tease?" had been spinning around in my head since the weekend, terror of losing the spiritual healing I had found. Then I thought about the past month. I thought about church and College Group. I thought about being thankful for things and seeing God's work in everything. Then I thought about reading my Bible and really having deep talks with Him where I could speak alone and aloud to Him. But wait, I hadn't been doing those last two things. I had been enjoying, worshiping, loving, and even praying way more than before, but I was missing a few things. I was becoming complacent. I had somehow forgotten to NEVER stop seeking more of Him. He had been dropping hints for a while, too. He had been letting me get insights into Him, into my relationship with Him. He had given me the desire to know Him more. And what had I done with it? I had continued to pray for peace. Well, that is all fine and good, and I pray for peace every day. Problem is, if God is instilling me with peace even when I'm not seeking Him and His Word, then I become complacent. I get tricked into thinking I'm fulfilled. So, He did the only thing that would shock me out of it. He slowly started taking my contentment away. It took me a few days before His message finally rang in loud and clear.

Today I picked up my Bible and continued reading where I had left off the last time I read my Bible. I'm doing a blog where I'm doing Bible studies, though, and so I think I will pick another book for now to study. Sometimes going in order is just not what God has in mind. Before doing that I spent about 30 minutes speaking with the Lord. I tend to babble a lot, but I think He understands that that is just who I am, and I know that He loves me despite my quirks. I feel like every time I talk to Him like that He reveals new things. So today I took another step in my growing relationship with my Creator, my Father, my Savior.

Today I realized that I never want to be fulfilled. I want joy, peace, and Earthly contentment, but I never want to think that I can forget God for a little bit because things are going good. This is a place where I think a lot of us mess up. When things are bad, we pray. When things are good, we give praise. God loves to hear our praises, yes, but He also wants us to speak with Him. He desires a personal and intimate relationship with us. If you're going through a tough time right now, pray to God - ask for peace, healing, and guidance. And if things are going in a positive direction, pray to God - thank Him, ask Him to continue teaching you, even just tell Him about your day! I once heard someone say that while God knows everything that is happening in our lives, He still wants to hear it from us. Don't just assume, "Oh, God knows that I love Him and need Him. He knows that I spent the day with my friends at (fill in the blank). He knows that I'm sad." Yes, He does know, but He wants to hear it from you!

Don't ever let yourself be fulfilled. When God fills up one little hole in your heart, be sure that another opens that He can begin work on it.

Could It Be?

Could it truly be that I am changing? Okay, yes, I have covered the fact that I'm changing a lot in another post recently, but there were so many other things that I needed to change. I feared that I would never get around to changing those things about myself, and then it happened. I said, "No." Yeah, maybe that's easy for some of you, but I pretty much always say "yes" because I want to please others. I have come to realize that the only One I need to please is my Lord, and He would never ask me for anything that I would need to say "no" to. Now, I would like you to sit and take that in for a minute, because I feel like a HUGE weight is lifted when I realize that! God will NEVER ask of you anything that you can't give or anything that you shouldn't. You can ALWAYS say yes to Him, and you need to. Anything else is so small compared to that. Most of us say "yes" to others out of fear that they will be upset, but that is THEIR problem, not ours. If it is something we need to say no to, then it is probably something we shouldn't be doing, and if they are going to be angry about that then who cares? Of course, there are times when we must say "no" and it's not because it is something bad. Perhaps we have plans already or we just aren't interested. Point is, that we know in ALL things we can go to God for guidance. We never have to make choices on our own, and that is so comforting!

So now I have rambled, when all I wanted to get across was this: If you don't say "no" to someone simply out of fear, then maybe now is the time to search your heart and work on changing that. It is time to pray that God will work on that part of your life. Say no to the negatives and say yes to God! To quote a bumper sticker that I love, "Try God. If you don't like Him, Satan will always take you back." This is very true. God will never fail you. There is a plan behind every single thing that He does, we just don't always see it.

Next step: Sending Dad a letter or having a talk with him about no longer putting up with him while drunk. Pray for me to gain the courage! Thanks! Until next time... <3

Thanks for Lending Me Your Ear

So, I apologize for the negativity of last nights post. I considered deleting it, as the venting served it's purpose whether it gets read or not, but it is a part of me, something I went through, and thus I don't think it should be deleted. If all I ever post is positive and happy, then I would be lying to you all, pretending to be a perfect person that never has bad days. That is not who I am, as God is the only perfect being to ever exist. I don't want to be perfect and I don't want anyone to ever think that I am. I hope that I am never put on a petistal by anyone, as they will be greatly disappointed when I fall off of it! So, anywho, point is that I am not perfect nor do I wish to be, and that means that I have less than perfect days. I may or may not vent about them, and when I do you can feel free to not read them. I won't be hurt, I promise. Either way, today is a good day, a day that the Lord has made!!

This is something I posted on Facebook today that I would like to share, "If the sorrow that used to rule my life is now a bad day for me, as opposed to the norm, then I can deal."

Yesterday sucked, but things are back to normal for me. A friend suggested that perhaps it is the moon, and I hadn't even thought of that. It is quite possible that the moon is the culprit, or that stress is getting to me in areas of my life. Whatever the case is, God is here for me and He is more than willing to take all of my stress and sorrow if only I am willing to give it to Him. It's SO easy to forget how amazing He is, and I do on occasion (such as last night), but then I think, "What was the matter with me? How could I forget how awesome He is?" It's weird that I can forget the millions of good things He has done with the strike of just one bad thing! I forced myself to pray through it though, and boy am I glad that I did! I woke up feeling like myself again (the new me, the version of me that I am proud to be!). I don't really have a point to this post other than how amazing God is and how easy it is to forget. So try not to forget, and even if you do, just pray through whatever is going on in your life. He is there just waiting for you to give it over to Him!!

Tired of Being the "Parent"

Yes, I have been mainly posting positive, upbeat things lately, and I wish that this were yet another of those kinds of posts. Sadly, this is more of a rant. I'm going to be honest, I feel really alone right now. I know God is with me, but I'm going to admit something that I wish weren't true - I don't feel Him right now. I feel the need to repeat that I DO know He is here, and my faith is still in tact, I just wish I could feel His peace right now.

So, here's the deal. Today has kind of sucked in general, and it sort of started yesterday I suppose. I spent almost all of Christmas day sleeping, and that depressed me. And then I was exhausted again today. I think I'm sick, so I know my body needs it, but that isn't really the point here. Point is, my day started out with me being sad. I had been internally worrying about my step bro since Christmas Eve night, about his post on Facebook that insinuated a drug overdose. Fast forward to this evening when I got on to email him a music video that I thought he should see (I'll post it at the end). Long story short, I ended up on a  news website on my computer watching a report about my step bro attacking a couple on Christmas Eve morning while on a bad drug trip. I really didn't/don't know how to react, as this isn't exactly something I've been through before. I was really sad, and to make matters worse, like an idiot, I read the comments people were making on the news report. I got mad on top of the sadness I already felt.

It was after that that I received a phone call that didn't exactly shock me. Now, I pretty much always have a certain rule in place: Don't answer any calls from Dad after 5pm, because he is probably drunk. It was around 9:30 when he called tonight, and I figured he might be drunk, but I didn't want to leave him hanging with what had happened when I was sure he was hurting. What kind of daughter would I be? I'm not realizing that I would be a smart one, because I am 22 years old and am tired of being the more mature one in a father/daughter relationship. I'm so done. If he's hurting, he can call me the next day before he has a chance to get smashed, because I am DONE letting him make my pain even worse, too. He has no right. I don't deserve having to listen to a drunken rant or crying, or him getting mad that my step bro's ex dared talk to me on Facebook. I've been tempted one too many times to cut him out of my life like my sister pretty much did. I don't think I am capable of that right now, but I am capable of choosing when to answer my phone. And eventually I pray that I will have the courage to stand up to him and tell him that I am not going to put up with it anymore. A phone call that lasted for less than 5 minutes (and in the end only resulted in him being angry and me being upset) has thrown me into a downward spiral (beyond the one I was stuck in earlier).

So, bottom line is that I need to quit giving in. I need to think about myself first. I feel so selfish saying that, but truth is, I know God has plans for me. If I keep letting these people bring me down and hurt me I am doing no one any good. I'm DONE. I just feel the need to say that, because I'm pretty much fed up right now. Okay, I'm done ranting for now. Thank you to anyone listening and good night.

Christmas Carols in Front of Shari's

So tonight was basically amazing. Yeah, any word that has the same/similar definition would be accurate. Let's start from the beginning...

First off, God was most definitely in Aimee's house tonight, and made His presence very known!! I have never worshiped like that before. I was consumed by God and it was amazing!!

Second, I spoke up three, count em, THREE times tonight. Now, for some that is no biggie. For this girl, however, it is huge! It took me over a year to really speak up at church, and by then I knew the people. I haven't known my College Group long, but I feel like I've known them forever. I gave a testimony about how I've been healed, suggested prayer for a car accident that happened near my house (life flight was called in), and then shared about an experience back in high school. I could feel God working through me, speaking through me. I was in shock with each new urge to speak, and in shock each time that I didn't feel nervous.

Third, everything fell into place. There was more than one instance where a few of us were basically thinking the exact same thing. Yeah, that was all the work of God. He put things on our hearts, and He lead us to share. It was so cool to hear "That's so weird, because God was speaking to me about something similar to that."  At one point we sang over and over for God to just come into us, and I was given an image. Three weeks ago when my healing occurred came to mind. I feel like I was in a cement mold so to speak emotionally, and God was hovering all around me. I knew He was there, I believed and loved Him, but I just didn't know how to let Him in. Three weeks ago, though, that cement wall around me came down and God poured into me!! I am amazed everyday at the changes that have occurred in me, but then again, when one finally lets God into their spirit (I don't mean when one believes in God, because Satan believes in Him too. I mean when you TRULY let Him in) it changes the person. Why am I so surprised that I have changed so much? Why in the world would I be the same person I was before God consumed my spirit? Thank God, literally, that I have done such a 180!!! My hope is that others will see this in me and want what I have - our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

And fourth, you must be wondering by now about my title. Yeah, at a little before 11:30pm we sang a few Christmas Carols (with a drum and guitar!) in front of Shari's. Right before leaving we harmonized a Worship song also. It was an experience that I will NEVER forget. And if I do, it is here to look at and remember. But really, how could I forget that??

So in summary, it is now officially Christmas Eve here, and I have been so excited for it to get here so that I can go spend time with family that I never see. I am still mega excited to go see them, but you know what? I have a HUGE family right here where I live. We aren't related by blood, but we are related because we share the same Father. We choose to be related. How cool is that?? And you know what? I get these kinds of experiences multiple times a week with amazing people that love our Lord!! I am the luckiest girl ever. I may not have jewels or monetary riches, but I have the only treasure that matters. I have God. Just that would be enough, but I even have family and friends that are the best. If I ever complain again, just smack me and remind me of how lucky I am! :)

Good night and Merry CHRISTmas!!

It's The Small Things

So, first off, to show how random I am; I had to force myself to not start singing "All The Small Things" when I wrote that. Anywho, that is not why I dropped by. I stopped in to just say a few simple things. Basically, the title sums it up. It's the small things in life that get me. They didn't used to, in fact I barely even noticed them, but my whole outlook on life has changed. This morning I spoke up in church about my healing and how my life has changed, something I wouldn't have done when I first started going there. Now, I sit on my couch listening to my mom talk to my brother on the phone while I knit a scarf and chill in a chat room with my online familia. I'm going to get some hot cocoa after I finish this post, too, with extra cool whip!! So basically, my point is this: That description sounds SO simple, right? I'm not doing anything special. I'm not at Disneyland with my friend like I originally was supposed to be, but that is okay!! I am here, at home, relaxing in God's peace. I am content and joyous and life is good! I feel the Christmas spirit despite our lack of decorating for the most part. I look forward to the coming year for the first time in over a decade! All of this comes from me just sitting here with my knitting, some chat room friends, my four legged kids, and my mom talking to my brother. SO simple, yet so fulfilling. God is awesome! <3

You Are Healed

The words that were spoken to me last night, shouted joyfully actually, proved to be true today in more than just the way that I originally thought. I'm exhausted, and therefore don't really feel like going into detail at the moment, but bottom line is this: Today I had the opportunity to go out in Portland, to Zoo Lights and then bar hopping. I went and started dreading it almost immediately, less than halfway to the zoo. I ended up being able to get into the event for free and it was fun, so that was worth it. And then we headed to get ready to go out. I have struggled with the desire to "go out" pretty much since I turned 21. Addiction runs in my family, and I have no idea if that's what it is or if I just like "the scene" but either way it wasn't a lifestyle I wanted for myself. I prayed before leaving that God would help me deal with this, to get past it, and when I felt as though I couldn't fight the urge I felt somewhat let down. And then God spoke to me, right before getting to the place we were going to get ready. He said, "Katie, what if you die tonight? What if you get in a car crash? Do you realize that that means you will no longer be able to fulfill the plans that I have for you in this lifetime?" Now, those might not have been the exact words He used because He was speaking to my heart, and I have found that to be more of a feeling than an actual hearing of words, but I got the idea just the same. I had gotten past wanting to die, as I said in my last posts, but I was also kind of in a place where I didn't care either way. I felt that if I died in a car crash or whatever, it didn't matter. Tonight I felt not only a strong feeling of not wanting to risk my life, but also finally the feeling I have been waiting to feel for so long. My mom has told me my whole life that I have suffered depression and anxiety at the hands of the enemy, that God has a huge plan for me, and that the devil was doing everything he could to keep me from filling it. I thought I had believed her, but after truly believing wholeheartedly tonight, I know that I only half believed her before. I KNOW that God has a plan for me, that I am going to do something (I have NO idea what, and I don't care, because it is in His hands, so I KNOW it will be awesome!!) important in this life. I just bought a book today on evangelizing, and it was like this, "Oh my gosh, what if I never got to study that book, to dive into God's word and the way I can share it with others. What if I leave this earth and never do what God has asked of me? He gave me all of Himself and He asks so little in return. I can't let Him down." It also, as I realized on the drive home, came down to this: I had asked God to do something for me, and He had come through faithfully with an answer. Now that He was asking me to do something (something that, in fact, was what I had prayed for), how could I not come through faithfully for Him, also? It seems so simple when you see it like this. I told my mom this tonight, "I have spent so many years desiring to hear His voice, and I have heard him a few times, but not often. Now that I feel like that wall has come down, the one I didn't even know I had up that was keeping Him out, He decided that after 22 years of having Him on mute He was going to make sure I heard everything He has to say to me right now." It sounds humorous, but it is also the truth. I am constantly hearing Him speaking to me. I am constantly finding new things to thank Him for. I am choosing life for the first time ever. "You are healed" may have been aimed at my anxiety when it was spoken last night, but I think that it meant soo much more. This is just the beginning, guys, and I can't wait to see what else God has for me on this journey!!