Tired of Being the "Parent"

Yes, I have been mainly posting positive, upbeat things lately, and I wish that this were yet another of those kinds of posts. Sadly, this is more of a rant. I'm going to be honest, I feel really alone right now. I know God is with me, but I'm going to admit something that I wish weren't true - I don't feel Him right now. I feel the need to repeat that I DO know He is here, and my faith is still in tact, I just wish I could feel His peace right now.

So, here's the deal. Today has kind of sucked in general, and it sort of started yesterday I suppose. I spent almost all of Christmas day sleeping, and that depressed me. And then I was exhausted again today. I think I'm sick, so I know my body needs it, but that isn't really the point here. Point is, my day started out with me being sad. I had been internally worrying about my step bro since Christmas Eve night, about his post on Facebook that insinuated a drug overdose. Fast forward to this evening when I got on to email him a music video that I thought he should see (I'll post it at the end). Long story short, I ended up on a  news website on my computer watching a report about my step bro attacking a couple on Christmas Eve morning while on a bad drug trip. I really didn't/don't know how to react, as this isn't exactly something I've been through before. I was really sad, and to make matters worse, like an idiot, I read the comments people were making on the news report. I got mad on top of the sadness I already felt.

It was after that that I received a phone call that didn't exactly shock me. Now, I pretty much always have a certain rule in place: Don't answer any calls from Dad after 5pm, because he is probably drunk. It was around 9:30 when he called tonight, and I figured he might be drunk, but I didn't want to leave him hanging with what had happened when I was sure he was hurting. What kind of daughter would I be? I'm not realizing that I would be a smart one, because I am 22 years old and am tired of being the more mature one in a father/daughter relationship. I'm so done. If he's hurting, he can call me the next day before he has a chance to get smashed, because I am DONE letting him make my pain even worse, too. He has no right. I don't deserve having to listen to a drunken rant or crying, or him getting mad that my step bro's ex dared talk to me on Facebook. I've been tempted one too many times to cut him out of my life like my sister pretty much did. I don't think I am capable of that right now, but I am capable of choosing when to answer my phone. And eventually I pray that I will have the courage to stand up to him and tell him that I am not going to put up with it anymore. A phone call that lasted for less than 5 minutes (and in the end only resulted in him being angry and me being upset) has thrown me into a downward spiral (beyond the one I was stuck in earlier).

So, bottom line is that I need to quit giving in. I need to think about myself first. I feel so selfish saying that, but truth is, I know God has plans for me. If I keep letting these people bring me down and hurt me I am doing no one any good. I'm DONE. I just feel the need to say that, because I'm pretty much fed up right now. Okay, I'm done ranting for now. Thank you to anyone listening and good night.

Christmas Carols in Front of Shari's

So tonight was basically amazing. Yeah, any word that has the same/similar definition would be accurate. Let's start from the beginning...

First off, God was most definitely in Aimee's house tonight, and made His presence very known!! I have never worshiped like that before. I was consumed by God and it was amazing!!

Second, I spoke up three, count em, THREE times tonight. Now, for some that is no biggie. For this girl, however, it is huge! It took me over a year to really speak up at church, and by then I knew the people. I haven't known my College Group long, but I feel like I've known them forever. I gave a testimony about how I've been healed, suggested prayer for a car accident that happened near my house (life flight was called in), and then shared about an experience back in high school. I could feel God working through me, speaking through me. I was in shock with each new urge to speak, and in shock each time that I didn't feel nervous.

Third, everything fell into place. There was more than one instance where a few of us were basically thinking the exact same thing. Yeah, that was all the work of God. He put things on our hearts, and He lead us to share. It was so cool to hear "That's so weird, because God was speaking to me about something similar to that."  At one point we sang over and over for God to just come into us, and I was given an image. Three weeks ago when my healing occurred came to mind. I feel like I was in a cement mold so to speak emotionally, and God was hovering all around me. I knew He was there, I believed and loved Him, but I just didn't know how to let Him in. Three weeks ago, though, that cement wall around me came down and God poured into me!! I am amazed everyday at the changes that have occurred in me, but then again, when one finally lets God into their spirit (I don't mean when one believes in God, because Satan believes in Him too. I mean when you TRULY let Him in) it changes the person. Why am I so surprised that I have changed so much? Why in the world would I be the same person I was before God consumed my spirit? Thank God, literally, that I have done such a 180!!! My hope is that others will see this in me and want what I have - our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

And fourth, you must be wondering by now about my title. Yeah, at a little before 11:30pm we sang a few Christmas Carols (with a drum and guitar!) in front of Shari's. Right before leaving we harmonized a Worship song also. It was an experience that I will NEVER forget. And if I do, it is here to look at and remember. But really, how could I forget that??

So in summary, it is now officially Christmas Eve here, and I have been so excited for it to get here so that I can go spend time with family that I never see. I am still mega excited to go see them, but you know what? I have a HUGE family right here where I live. We aren't related by blood, but we are related because we share the same Father. We choose to be related. How cool is that?? And you know what? I get these kinds of experiences multiple times a week with amazing people that love our Lord!! I am the luckiest girl ever. I may not have jewels or monetary riches, but I have the only treasure that matters. I have God. Just that would be enough, but I even have family and friends that are the best. If I ever complain again, just smack me and remind me of how lucky I am! :)

Good night and Merry CHRISTmas!!

It's The Small Things

So, first off, to show how random I am; I had to force myself to not start singing "All The Small Things" when I wrote that. Anywho, that is not why I dropped by. I stopped in to just say a few simple things. Basically, the title sums it up. It's the small things in life that get me. They didn't used to, in fact I barely even noticed them, but my whole outlook on life has changed. This morning I spoke up in church about my healing and how my life has changed, something I wouldn't have done when I first started going there. Now, I sit on my couch listening to my mom talk to my brother on the phone while I knit a scarf and chill in a chat room with my online familia. I'm going to get some hot cocoa after I finish this post, too, with extra cool whip!! So basically, my point is this: That description sounds SO simple, right? I'm not doing anything special. I'm not at Disneyland with my friend like I originally was supposed to be, but that is okay!! I am here, at home, relaxing in God's peace. I am content and joyous and life is good! I feel the Christmas spirit despite our lack of decorating for the most part. I look forward to the coming year for the first time in over a decade! All of this comes from me just sitting here with my knitting, some chat room friends, my four legged kids, and my mom talking to my brother. SO simple, yet so fulfilling. God is awesome! <3

You Are Healed

The words that were spoken to me last night, shouted joyfully actually, proved to be true today in more than just the way that I originally thought. I'm exhausted, and therefore don't really feel like going into detail at the moment, but bottom line is this: Today I had the opportunity to go out in Portland, to Zoo Lights and then bar hopping. I went and started dreading it almost immediately, less than halfway to the zoo. I ended up being able to get into the event for free and it was fun, so that was worth it. And then we headed to get ready to go out. I have struggled with the desire to "go out" pretty much since I turned 21. Addiction runs in my family, and I have no idea if that's what it is or if I just like "the scene" but either way it wasn't a lifestyle I wanted for myself. I prayed before leaving that God would help me deal with this, to get past it, and when I felt as though I couldn't fight the urge I felt somewhat let down. And then God spoke to me, right before getting to the place we were going to get ready. He said, "Katie, what if you die tonight? What if you get in a car crash? Do you realize that that means you will no longer be able to fulfill the plans that I have for you in this lifetime?" Now, those might not have been the exact words He used because He was speaking to my heart, and I have found that to be more of a feeling than an actual hearing of words, but I got the idea just the same. I had gotten past wanting to die, as I said in my last posts, but I was also kind of in a place where I didn't care either way. I felt that if I died in a car crash or whatever, it didn't matter. Tonight I felt not only a strong feeling of not wanting to risk my life, but also finally the feeling I have been waiting to feel for so long. My mom has told me my whole life that I have suffered depression and anxiety at the hands of the enemy, that God has a huge plan for me, and that the devil was doing everything he could to keep me from filling it. I thought I had believed her, but after truly believing wholeheartedly tonight, I know that I only half believed her before. I KNOW that God has a plan for me, that I am going to do something (I have NO idea what, and I don't care, because it is in His hands, so I KNOW it will be awesome!!) important in this life. I just bought a book today on evangelizing, and it was like this, "Oh my gosh, what if I never got to study that book, to dive into God's word and the way I can share it with others. What if I leave this earth and never do what God has asked of me? He gave me all of Himself and He asks so little in return. I can't let Him down." It also, as I realized on the drive home, came down to this: I had asked God to do something for me, and He had come through faithfully with an answer. Now that He was asking me to do something (something that, in fact, was what I had prayed for), how could I not come through faithfully for Him, also? It seems so simple when you see it like this. I told my mom this tonight, "I have spent so many years desiring to hear His voice, and I have heard him a few times, but not often. Now that I feel like that wall has come down, the one I didn't even know I had up that was keeping Him out, He decided that after 22 years of having Him on mute He was going to make sure I heard everything He has to say to me right now." It sounds humorous, but it is also the truth. I am constantly hearing Him speaking to me. I am constantly finding new things to thank Him for. I am choosing life for the first time ever. "You are healed" may have been aimed at my anxiety when it was spoken last night, but I think that it meant soo much more. This is just the beginning, guys, and I can't wait to see what else God has for me on this journey!!

Where the Spirit of the Lord is....

THERE IS FREEDOM!

Me again! Yep, two days in a row and both discussing God and his vast amount of being amazing! Really, though, can you ever get enough of that topic? Didn't think so.

So, anywho, tonight (Fri night) was quite possibly the best night of my life. I can, at the very least, and with complete certainty, tell you this much: It was the most joy and peace filled night of my entire 22 1/2 years of life. It was also most possibly the most God filled.

Things moved in my life that I truly never thought would, things were affirmed for me, and I watched (almost as if  an outsider looking in) at how I have changed from the girl I was to the woman I am. This was really one of those "you had to be there" kind of nights, but I feel the need to record it. I can't forget this night, as it is most certainly a milestone for me, and the beginning of a new journey that I can't wait to start. It, of course, all ties in with yesterdays post. I did say that I knew this would be a year full of adventure! Boy was I right!!!

So, to set the scene: Tonight was my first night going to College Group - a group of college age people meeting to worship and talk about God (It is really so much more than that, but not something I can put into words). We sat and sang songs of worship, and I saw people worshiping with a joy that I had never seen before. It was awesome!

I love worship, and that was enough to convince me that this was the place to be, but then things went even deeper. We took pauses to let people speak out, either something they felt the need to say, or something God had put on their hearts. A few things were spoken that I felt applied to me, but were directed at the room (such as "I feel that there is someone here that needs to hear this."). This has happened to me before, and I always feel in awe and enjoy such moments. This, however, was not where God had decided it would stop. It was going to get deeper, much deeper.

A friend of mine spoke up and asked, "Does anyone here have anxiety, or get anxiety or panic attacks?" Now, I thought this was a question for the room, that she was wanting someone to relate to perhaps or something along those lines. I raised my hand and looked around. No one else had raised their hands. She looked over at me and told me that God had spoken to her, telling her that someone in the room suffered anxiety (me it turned out), and that He wanted her to tell me that things were about to get better, that there was healing for me, and that with God there was no need for fear. She then laid her hands on me, along with 5 others, and she prayed. Then 3 of the other girls prayed for me. After, one grabbed my hands and told me that God loves me and that she knows I am a Godly woman that has no need to be afraid. I hugged these amazing girls and we went back to worship and such. Now, I have faith in God, even when I've tried to drift from Him I have failed (thankfully!), but NEVER had I had something like this happen. My eyes could have popped out of my head at the fact that a girl that had no way of knowing about my anxiety disorder called me out on it so to speak. She KNEW and that knowledge came straight from God. God sent a message to her about little ole me. I am worthy of God speaking to me, of Him telling another human to take time of her life to be there for me. Okay, actually I'm NOT worthy, because no human is actually worthy of God's love, but that never stops Him from giving it. There was also a mesmerizing and amazing moment where every single one of us called out to God, begging His presence. 20 plus people shouting, whispering, and praying silently all at the same time for the Lord to fill us with His presence is quite the site. The things I prayed astonished me, also. The one thing I prayed over and over again that I couldn't believe I was saying was this, "God, please don't ever let me be satisfied!" Logically, this makes no sense. And for a girl with depression that has spent her life begging God to fix me, to heal me, to satisfy me so to speak, it was baffling. I never want to stop craving God, though, and that means never being fully satisfied. I think it's much deeper than that, but to be honest, I am just now beginning to understand it all. One day, though, God will reveal it to me.

The feelings that came from this evening are not feelings I can put into words. In fact, over 4 hours of worship and speaking about and to God, plus another hour or two discussing the night with my mom, have left me with a horribly sore throat and a halfway lost voice. I don't care, though, because my spirit is filled with joy and peace. I know that this is just the beginning. I have a feeling that it will not take me until next November to be able to say that I'm glad I was born. I have a feeling that these revelations were just the beginning. I have a feeling that what my friend said as I was leaving ("You are healed!!") is true. I have a feeling that God has something much bigger planned for me than I ever imagined. This might be the first time in my life that I think I can believe that my mom is right in calling me her miracle baby. This might be the first time in my life that I believe God has a plan for me. This might be the first time in my life that I am rendered speechless and yet unable to stop speaking all at once. This might be the first time.....for so many things!

Thankful to be Born

On November 23rd I made the choice to list one thing that I am thankful for each day. Now, I ended up forgetting to do so a few days, but that's not really the point of this post. The point is the motivation: What I thought it was at the time and what God has shown me it REALLY is.
Thanksgiving was coming, it was the next day in fact, and we all (or most of us) like to think of at least one thing that we are thankful on that day. I thought it was sad that we only do so once each year, when there are so many things to be thankful for! I decided that I would change that, if only for myself.
There lies what I THOUGHT my motivation was: To thank God each day, to let Him know that I am grateful for the price He paid for me, and to let those in my life know that I am thankful for them. Now, don't get me wrong, those are all great motivators, and are also true. Today God spoke to me, though, and He has told me what He wants the end result to be. He surprised me completely.
As you most likely know, I suffer from depression and have since a young age. I admit that there are a lot of times I wish I hadn't been born, or that I wish I could just drop dead. Horrible I know, but the truth nevertheless. I was still completely taken off guard when God said these words to me, "At the end of your year of thankfulness I have one thing that I want you to be thankful for. This can be the final statement, or it can be a realization in the middle. I want you to be able to say, honestly, that you are thankful that you were born."
Now, you really had to be here to experience the power of this whispering in my ear. I was completely taken aback! God knows how much I've struggled, but my reaction was still "WHAT?" At first my response was, "I can say that now! My life is improving, and I'm thankful." Then I did something that I avoid doing most of the time: I dug deeper. I dug as deep into my mind and heart as I could and truly mulled this all over. Was I really able to say that I am thankful that I was born? No. While I can honestly say that I don't want to die until God is ready to take me Home, I can't honestly say that I am glad that I was ever created. This is a step in the right direction, as that first statement was far from true at one point, but I am still not where I should be.
This started out as a fun experiment, a bit of a challenge for myself, and it has turned into an adventure. God has molded something so simple into something so huge. I now know with complete certainty that this next year is going to be full of changes and will keep me on my toes. I look forward to every minute of it, and I honestly cannot wait until the day I can shout to the world, "I am thankful that I was born!"

Um, what?

That moment when, even though you put it off til the last minute, your speech for the next day is longer than it needs to be.

^^My "Hallelujah!" picture