Um, what?

That moment when, even though you put it off til the last minute, your speech for the next day is longer than it needs to be.

^^My "Hallelujah!" picture



What Right Have I?

I try my very hardest to not be hypocritical or judgemental, to not be what people expect from Christians, to simply love and I truly do find myself to be accepting in most situations. I want people to look at me and accept me, to know that I am a Christian and not judge me for that (however I know it will happen, and am prepared), and I would expect that no matter what my beliefs were. Tonight I found my "line in the sand" so to speak, the place where I had to work to not judge, where God had to say to me, "Katie, it is not your place to judge this person. The time for judgement will come, and the job will be Mine, and Mine alone." Along with this message came God's hand on my shoulder, telling me to not walk away,, to not stop praying.
Of course, this story probably makes little sense if you do not know the back story. So here it is. Tonight I was at a Prayer/Positive Thoughts Vigil for someone I've never met. I had been told he wasn't a spiritual man, and had accepted it and was prepared. I was not, however, prepared for one of his dear friends to pull out a book that was very important to the man being prayed for. A book I never thought I would hear words from. That book was the Satanic Bible. The moment she said she would be reading from it my mom and I exchanged looks. I whispered, "That's a twist I wasn't expecting." We politely listened as I silently began to judge. I wasn't very far into my judgement before God spoke the words from the first paragraph to me. He put on my heart the desire to pray for this man and all of the people surrounding me that agreed with his beliefs, to pray that they would find the Grace of God, that they would be saved. God reminded me that no one is ever too far gone to be saved, not even a man fighting for his life.
Praying for a precious baby that has been fighting for his life is so easy. He's innocent, there's nothing to judge. Praying for a man that worships, or at least is in high agreement, with everything opposite of what I believe is anything but easy. I find this sad. I have no right to decide who lives or dies, who goes up or who goes down. There is no one unworthy of my prayers, and it saddens me that I ever thought there could be. I'm sure this won't be the last time that this happens to me, but I hope that it has opened my eyes to work harder on being the person God wants me to be.

"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgement you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you." - Matthew 7:1

"Therefore let us not judge one another, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way." - Romans 14:13

To Save a Life

So, my mom and I watched a movie tonight called "To Save a Life" and it was absolutely amazing and life changing. As someone that has been there, on the edge, ready to die with scars on my wrists, I really connected to this movie. I think everyone should watch it, Christian or not. Yes, there is a Christian message, but this is something that EVERY SINGLE PERSON can relate to, whether you are the one that feels the pain or the one that just stands by and lets it happen. I've been in both places. Sadly, almost every single person has been. We don't see what's going on around us. Even as Christians we often miss the person hurting, the person that might go home that night and take their life, or yet again cry themself to sleep. Sometimes we don't even realize we're ignoring their pain, in fact, most of the time we don't. When my depression was at its worst, and I had been on that edge a few times already, I talked about it to a few people that didn't know. Each and every single one of them told me that they had a hard time believing that because I seemed like one of the happiest people they knew. I think we get it in our head that a depressed/suicidal/self harming person is going to walk around in all black, parading the darkness inside on the outside. If you know me, you know that isn't true. So I would like to share some lyrics from the amazing song that played during the end credits, by one of my fave bands SuperChick, and challenge us all to pay more attention..to look closer. Would you even know if one of your best friends had spent half of their life on the ledge? To those that know me, unless I've told you (or you heard from someone), would you have known? We really can save a life, and not just an earthly one, but an eternal one. God put us here for a reason, and I for one don't want to stand by and let that life be wasted.

"Hero"

No one sits with him, he doesn't fit in
But we feel like we do when we make fun of him
Cause you want to belong, do you go along?
Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong
It's not like you hate him or want him to die
But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide
Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side
And a kindness from you might have saved his life

[Tag:]
Heroes are made when you make a choice

[Chorus:]
You could be a hero - heroes do what's right
You could be a hero - you might save a life
You could be a hero- you could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right, for what's right

No one talks to her, she feels so alone
She's in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm and wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way
Each moment of courage her on life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made
Heroes are made when you make a choice

[Tag]

[Chorus]

No one talks to him about how he lives
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his
Doesn't know he's the leader with the way he behaves
And others will follow the choices he's made
He lives on the edge, he's old enough to decide
His brother who wants to be him is just nine
He can do what he wants because it's his right
The choices he makes change a nine-year-old's life

[Tag]

[Chorus]

[Rap]
Little Mikey D. was the one in class who everyday got brutally harassed
This went on for years until he decided that never again would he shed another tear
So he walked through the door, grabbed a four-four out of his father's dresser drawer
And said I can't take life no more
And like that life can be lost
But this ain't even about that
All of us just sat back and watched it happen
Thinkin' it's not my responsibility to solve a problem that isn't even about me
This is our problem
This is just one of the daily scenarios which we choose to close our eyes
Instead of doing the right thing
If we make a choice and be the voice for those who won't speak up for themselves
How many lives would be saved, changed, and rearranged
Now it's our time to pick a side
So don't keep walkin' by
Not wantin' to intervene
'cause you wanna exist and never be seen
So let's wake up and change the world
Our time is now

[Chorus:]
You could be a hero (Our time is now)
Heroes do what's right
You could be a hero (Our time is now)
You might save a life
You could be a hero, you could join the fight (Our time is now)
For what's right, for what's right

Oh God, You have done it yet again!

SO, basically I don't want you guys thinking I dropped off the face of the Earth or something catastrophic like that, thus I decided to think of a topic I could blog about. Hmmm, what could that be? Well, the logical answer in this situation seems to be God, because He has been working majorly in my life recently! And friends of course, when is there ever NOT a good time to blog about friends??

Basically, the last three weeks have been amazing! I have grown closer to my friends and to God. I have grown happy (and after 12 years of dark depression, let me tell you that feeling happy is basically the best thing on this planet!). I have come out of my shell a little bit more (honestly, I didn't realize I had, but Joshua says so, so who am I to argue?). I dressed up as a "galactic warrior" and embraced my inner alien (SO FUN). I am learning to swing dance, and yes, I have an addiction to it now! ;) I got my GED (finally!!!!), and am starting school this fall. I'm even looking for a job! I don't remember the last time a summer was this awesome! I also can't believe that it has been nearly a year since all of my wonderful new friends, that have been life changing for me, came into my life!! Speaking of said friends, I had my first ever official coffee date with one today, and I had a fantastic time and can't wait to do it again! (who wants to be next?!)

So, basically, the moral of this story is quite simple: GOD IS GOOD!  I can't wait to continue this journey with Him and my friends, as we all grow closer. You guys are my family, and I thank God for each and every one of you! *hugs*

Oh, Mom, I'm Feelin the Love!

So, this is a converstation I had with my mom tonight that had us cracking up, and I thought I would share on my blog, because if I put it on facebook she will probably kill me. It all started when I read an article she showed me on how to get rid of depression, anxiety, and stress. My conclusion, based on their advice, was to watch TV in the bathtub while writing in a journal. This was the conversation:

Me: So, what they're saying is that I need to take the TV in the bath with me.

Mom: Well, I can guarantee that will get rid of your depression.

Me: Okay, help me carry the TV into the bathroom then!

Mom: No! I use that TV!

Me: *shocked face* Well fine then, I don't need your help, I can just use my hair dryer!!

Mom: I use that, too!!! Then I wouldn't have a hair dryer anymore! *pause* Or a daughter.

Oh, Mom, I sure do feel the love. Thank goodness you use most of the appliances in this house, or I'd be toast (quite literally)!!

4th of July Blues..

Okay, so I really hate to make my first post a depressing one...but it is what's on my mind, and so it shall be. So, for I don't even know how many years I had a 4th of July tradition. My former best friend lives right next door, and so I would go over there every 4th early afternoon and stay late into the night, if not all night long. It was my favorite holiday just because of this tradition. Sure we got older, and things changed somewhat. We no longer played barbies outside while we waited, or swam in the kiddie pool, but it somehow still made me feel like a kid. Last year, in late spring, our friendship came to an end. So this isn't my first 4th without them, but last year I made plans with someone else, so this is my first 4th without hanging with friends at all. It's been a really rough day for me, and while I never thought I'd say this, I'm so thankful it is almost over. I wish I could end this with some miraculously happy ending, but the only thing happy I can say in all of this is that, while I may not have had any friends to spend today with, I have been blessed with some very amazing friends over the past couple years. I suppose one little day a year doesn't compare much to the rest of my life that I hope I will get to spend with these people I have grown to care so much about.

Happy 4th, everyone.