So, I have been down the past few days (off and on), mostly at night. It has been really hard to deal with as I have the fear deep inside of me that my depression is going to once more plague my life. Tomorrow is one month since I was healed, and while I have had some rough times, I have no doubt that I am still in fact healed. Now, I am still on medication, because a chemical imbalance exists in my brain, the difference is that before meds did me no good, now they are just there, for now. I tried tapering them back, but it didn't go well, so I will just wait. Taking a few pills daily really isn't an inconvenience, so I shall stick with it. I feel that this is what most likely has been going on the entire time the pills were "doing nothing" : I believe that the pills are there for the physical and to a degree mental aspect, and that they were probably doing their job in that sense. The problem was my spirit. I couldn't clean out all of the clouds in my brain/heart to make way for the medication to work until I was right with God. Once my spiritual healing happened, things fell into place. Now, I pray that one day pills will not be needed, but whatever God's Will is is what will be. I am okay with that.
Anyway, I have never in my life sought out God the way I have in the past month, unless the nights of sobbing and crying out to Him are counted. That kind of hit me hard today. "Why is this happening?" and "Was this all just a big tease?" had been spinning around in my head since the weekend, terror of losing the spiritual healing I had found. Then I thought about the past month. I thought about church and College Group. I thought about being thankful for things and seeing God's work in everything. Then I thought about reading my Bible and really having deep talks with Him where I could speak alone and aloud to Him. But wait, I hadn't been doing those last two things. I had been enjoying, worshiping, loving, and even praying way more than before, but I was missing a few things. I was becoming complacent. I had somehow forgotten to NEVER stop seeking more of Him. He had been dropping hints for a while, too. He had been letting me get insights into Him, into my relationship with Him. He had given me the desire to know Him more. And what had I done with it? I had continued to pray for peace. Well, that is all fine and good, and I pray for peace every day. Problem is, if God is instilling me with peace even when I'm not seeking Him and His Word, then I become complacent. I get tricked into thinking I'm fulfilled. So, He did the only thing that would shock me out of it. He slowly started taking my contentment away. It took me a few days before His message finally rang in loud and clear.
Today I picked up my Bible and continued reading where I had left off the last time I read my Bible. I'm doing a blog where I'm doing Bible studies, though, and so I think I will pick another book for now to study. Sometimes going in order is just not what God has in mind. Before doing that I spent about 30 minutes speaking with the Lord. I tend to babble a lot, but I think He understands that that is just who I am, and I know that He loves me despite my quirks. I feel like every time I talk to Him like that He reveals new things. So today I took another step in my growing relationship with my Creator, my Father, my Savior.
Today I realized that I never want to be fulfilled. I want joy, peace, and Earthly contentment, but I never want to think that I can forget God for a little bit because things are going good. This is a place where I think a lot of us mess up. When things are bad, we pray. When things are good, we give praise. God loves to hear our praises, yes, but He also wants us to speak with Him. He desires a personal and intimate relationship with us. If you're going through a tough time right now, pray to God - ask for peace, healing, and guidance. And if things are going in a positive direction, pray to God - thank Him, ask Him to continue teaching you, even just tell Him about your day! I once heard someone say that while God knows everything that is happening in our lives, He still wants to hear it from us. Don't just assume, "Oh, God knows that I love Him and need Him. He knows that I spent the day with my friends at (fill in the blank). He knows that I'm sad." Yes, He does know, but He wants to hear it from you!
Don't ever let yourself be fulfilled. When God fills up one little hole in your heart, be sure that another opens that He can begin work on it.
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