Tired of Being the "Parent"

Yes, I have been mainly posting positive, upbeat things lately, and I wish that this were yet another of those kinds of posts. Sadly, this is more of a rant. I'm going to be honest, I feel really alone right now. I know God is with me, but I'm going to admit something that I wish weren't true - I don't feel Him right now. I feel the need to repeat that I DO know He is here, and my faith is still in tact, I just wish I could feel His peace right now.

So, here's the deal. Today has kind of sucked in general, and it sort of started yesterday I suppose. I spent almost all of Christmas day sleeping, and that depressed me. And then I was exhausted again today. I think I'm sick, so I know my body needs it, but that isn't really the point here. Point is, my day started out with me being sad. I had been internally worrying about my step bro since Christmas Eve night, about his post on Facebook that insinuated a drug overdose. Fast forward to this evening when I got on to email him a music video that I thought he should see (I'll post it at the end). Long story short, I ended up on a  news website on my computer watching a report about my step bro attacking a couple on Christmas Eve morning while on a bad drug trip. I really didn't/don't know how to react, as this isn't exactly something I've been through before. I was really sad, and to make matters worse, like an idiot, I read the comments people were making on the news report. I got mad on top of the sadness I already felt.

It was after that that I received a phone call that didn't exactly shock me. Now, I pretty much always have a certain rule in place: Don't answer any calls from Dad after 5pm, because he is probably drunk. It was around 9:30 when he called tonight, and I figured he might be drunk, but I didn't want to leave him hanging with what had happened when I was sure he was hurting. What kind of daughter would I be? I'm not realizing that I would be a smart one, because I am 22 years old and am tired of being the more mature one in a father/daughter relationship. I'm so done. If he's hurting, he can call me the next day before he has a chance to get smashed, because I am DONE letting him make my pain even worse, too. He has no right. I don't deserve having to listen to a drunken rant or crying, or him getting mad that my step bro's ex dared talk to me on Facebook. I've been tempted one too many times to cut him out of my life like my sister pretty much did. I don't think I am capable of that right now, but I am capable of choosing when to answer my phone. And eventually I pray that I will have the courage to stand up to him and tell him that I am not going to put up with it anymore. A phone call that lasted for less than 5 minutes (and in the end only resulted in him being angry and me being upset) has thrown me into a downward spiral (beyond the one I was stuck in earlier).

So, bottom line is that I need to quit giving in. I need to think about myself first. I feel so selfish saying that, but truth is, I know God has plans for me. If I keep letting these people bring me down and hurt me I am doing no one any good. I'm DONE. I just feel the need to say that, because I'm pretty much fed up right now. Okay, I'm done ranting for now. Thank you to anyone listening and good night.