You Are Healed

The words that were spoken to me last night, shouted joyfully actually, proved to be true today in more than just the way that I originally thought. I'm exhausted, and therefore don't really feel like going into detail at the moment, but bottom line is this: Today I had the opportunity to go out in Portland, to Zoo Lights and then bar hopping. I went and started dreading it almost immediately, less than halfway to the zoo. I ended up being able to get into the event for free and it was fun, so that was worth it. And then we headed to get ready to go out. I have struggled with the desire to "go out" pretty much since I turned 21. Addiction runs in my family, and I have no idea if that's what it is or if I just like "the scene" but either way it wasn't a lifestyle I wanted for myself. I prayed before leaving that God would help me deal with this, to get past it, and when I felt as though I couldn't fight the urge I felt somewhat let down. And then God spoke to me, right before getting to the place we were going to get ready. He said, "Katie, what if you die tonight? What if you get in a car crash? Do you realize that that means you will no longer be able to fulfill the plans that I have for you in this lifetime?" Now, those might not have been the exact words He used because He was speaking to my heart, and I have found that to be more of a feeling than an actual hearing of words, but I got the idea just the same. I had gotten past wanting to die, as I said in my last posts, but I was also kind of in a place where I didn't care either way. I felt that if I died in a car crash or whatever, it didn't matter. Tonight I felt not only a strong feeling of not wanting to risk my life, but also finally the feeling I have been waiting to feel for so long. My mom has told me my whole life that I have suffered depression and anxiety at the hands of the enemy, that God has a huge plan for me, and that the devil was doing everything he could to keep me from filling it. I thought I had believed her, but after truly believing wholeheartedly tonight, I know that I only half believed her before. I KNOW that God has a plan for me, that I am going to do something (I have NO idea what, and I don't care, because it is in His hands, so I KNOW it will be awesome!!) important in this life. I just bought a book today on evangelizing, and it was like this, "Oh my gosh, what if I never got to study that book, to dive into God's word and the way I can share it with others. What if I leave this earth and never do what God has asked of me? He gave me all of Himself and He asks so little in return. I can't let Him down." It also, as I realized on the drive home, came down to this: I had asked God to do something for me, and He had come through faithfully with an answer. Now that He was asking me to do something (something that, in fact, was what I had prayed for), how could I not come through faithfully for Him, also? It seems so simple when you see it like this. I told my mom this tonight, "I have spent so many years desiring to hear His voice, and I have heard him a few times, but not often. Now that I feel like that wall has come down, the one I didn't even know I had up that was keeping Him out, He decided that after 22 years of having Him on mute He was going to make sure I heard everything He has to say to me right now." It sounds humorous, but it is also the truth. I am constantly hearing Him speaking to me. I am constantly finding new things to thank Him for. I am choosing life for the first time ever. "You are healed" may have been aimed at my anxiety when it was spoken last night, but I think that it meant soo much more. This is just the beginning, guys, and I can't wait to see what else God has for me on this journey!!