THERE IS FREEDOM!
Me again! Yep, two days in a row and both discussing God and his vast amount of being amazing! Really, though, can you ever get enough of that topic? Didn't think so.
So, anywho, tonight (Fri night) was quite possibly the best night of my life. I can, at the very least, and with complete certainty, tell you this much: It was the most joy and peace filled night of my entire 22 1/2 years of life. It was also most possibly the most God filled.
Things moved in my life that I truly never thought would, things were affirmed for me, and I watched (almost as if an outsider looking in) at how I have changed from the girl I was to the woman I am. This was really one of those "you had to be there" kind of nights, but I feel the need to record it. I can't forget this night, as it is most certainly a milestone for me, and the beginning of a new journey that I can't wait to start. It, of course, all ties in with yesterdays post. I did say that I knew this would be a year full of adventure! Boy was I right!!!
So, to set the scene: Tonight was my first night going to College Group - a group of college age people meeting to worship and talk about God (It is really so much more than that, but not something I can put into words). We sat and sang songs of worship, and I saw people worshiping with a joy that I had never seen before. It was awesome!
I love worship, and that was enough to convince me that this was the place to be, but then things went even deeper. We took pauses to let people speak out, either something they felt the need to say, or something God had put on their hearts. A few things were spoken that I felt applied to me, but were directed at the room (such as "I feel that there is someone here that needs to hear this."). This has happened to me before, and I always feel in awe and enjoy such moments. This, however, was not where God had decided it would stop. It was going to get deeper, much deeper.
A friend of mine spoke up and asked, "Does anyone here have anxiety, or get anxiety or panic attacks?" Now, I thought this was a question for the room, that she was wanting someone to relate to perhaps or something along those lines. I raised my hand and looked around. No one else had raised their hands. She looked over at me and told me that God had spoken to her, telling her that someone in the room suffered anxiety (me it turned out), and that He wanted her to tell me that things were about to get better, that there was healing for me, and that with God there was no need for fear. She then laid her hands on me, along with 5 others, and she prayed. Then 3 of the other girls prayed for me. After, one grabbed my hands and told me that God loves me and that she knows I am a Godly woman that has no need to be afraid. I hugged these amazing girls and we went back to worship and such. Now, I have faith in God, even when I've tried to drift from Him I have failed (thankfully!), but NEVER had I had something like this happen. My eyes could have popped out of my head at the fact that a girl that had no way of knowing about my anxiety disorder called me out on it so to speak. She KNEW and that knowledge came straight from God. God sent a message to her about little ole me. I am worthy of God speaking to me, of Him telling another human to take time of her life to be there for me. Okay, actually I'm NOT worthy, because no human is actually worthy of God's love, but that never stops Him from giving it. There was also a mesmerizing and amazing moment where every single one of us called out to God, begging His presence. 20 plus people shouting, whispering, and praying silently all at the same time for the Lord to fill us with His presence is quite the site. The things I prayed astonished me, also. The one thing I prayed over and over again that I couldn't believe I was saying was this, "God, please don't ever let me be satisfied!" Logically, this makes no sense. And for a girl with depression that has spent her life begging God to fix me, to heal me, to satisfy me so to speak, it was baffling. I never want to stop craving God, though, and that means never being fully satisfied. I think it's much deeper than that, but to be honest, I am just now beginning to understand it all. One day, though, God will reveal it to me.
The feelings that came from this evening are not feelings I can put into words. In fact, over 4 hours of worship and speaking about and to God, plus another hour or two discussing the night with my mom, have left me with a horribly sore throat and a halfway lost voice. I don't care, though, because my spirit is filled with joy and peace. I know that this is just the beginning. I have a feeling that it will not take me until next November to be able to say that I'm glad I was born. I have a feeling that these revelations were just the beginning. I have a feeling that what my friend said as I was leaving ("You are healed!!") is true. I have a feeling that God has something much bigger planned for me than I ever imagined. This might be the first time in my life that I think I can believe that my mom is right in calling me her miracle baby. This might be the first time in my life that I believe God has a plan for me. This might be the first time in my life that I am rendered speechless and yet unable to stop speaking all at once. This might be the first time.....for so many things!
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