May I Never Become Complacent

So, I have been down the past few days (off and on), mostly at night. It has been really hard to deal with as I have the fear deep inside of me that my depression is going to once more plague my life. Tomorrow is one month since I was healed, and while I have had some rough times, I have no doubt that I am still in fact healed. Now, I am still on medication, because a chemical imbalance exists in my brain, the difference is that before meds did me no good, now they are just there, for now. I tried tapering them back, but it didn't go well, so I will just wait. Taking a few pills daily really isn't an inconvenience, so I shall stick with it. I feel that this is what most likely has been going on the entire time the pills were "doing nothing" : I believe that the pills are there for the physical and to a degree mental aspect, and that they were probably doing their job in that sense. The problem was my spirit. I couldn't clean out all of the clouds in my brain/heart to make way for the medication to work until I was right with God. Once my spiritual healing happened, things fell into place. Now, I pray that one day pills will not be needed, but whatever God's Will is is what will be. I am okay with that.

Anyway, I have never in my life sought out God the way I have in the past month, unless the nights of sobbing and crying out to Him are counted. That kind of hit me hard today. "Why is this happening?" and "Was this all just a big tease?" had been spinning around in my head since the weekend, terror of losing the spiritual healing I had found. Then I thought about the past month. I thought about church and College Group. I thought about being thankful for things and seeing God's work in everything. Then I thought about reading my Bible and really having deep talks with Him where I could speak alone and aloud to Him. But wait, I hadn't been doing those last two things. I had been enjoying, worshiping, loving, and even praying way more than before, but I was missing a few things. I was becoming complacent. I had somehow forgotten to NEVER stop seeking more of Him. He had been dropping hints for a while, too. He had been letting me get insights into Him, into my relationship with Him. He had given me the desire to know Him more. And what had I done with it? I had continued to pray for peace. Well, that is all fine and good, and I pray for peace every day. Problem is, if God is instilling me with peace even when I'm not seeking Him and His Word, then I become complacent. I get tricked into thinking I'm fulfilled. So, He did the only thing that would shock me out of it. He slowly started taking my contentment away. It took me a few days before His message finally rang in loud and clear.

Today I picked up my Bible and continued reading where I had left off the last time I read my Bible. I'm doing a blog where I'm doing Bible studies, though, and so I think I will pick another book for now to study. Sometimes going in order is just not what God has in mind. Before doing that I spent about 30 minutes speaking with the Lord. I tend to babble a lot, but I think He understands that that is just who I am, and I know that He loves me despite my quirks. I feel like every time I talk to Him like that He reveals new things. So today I took another step in my growing relationship with my Creator, my Father, my Savior.

Today I realized that I never want to be fulfilled. I want joy, peace, and Earthly contentment, but I never want to think that I can forget God for a little bit because things are going good. This is a place where I think a lot of us mess up. When things are bad, we pray. When things are good, we give praise. God loves to hear our praises, yes, but He also wants us to speak with Him. He desires a personal and intimate relationship with us. If you're going through a tough time right now, pray to God - ask for peace, healing, and guidance. And if things are going in a positive direction, pray to God - thank Him, ask Him to continue teaching you, even just tell Him about your day! I once heard someone say that while God knows everything that is happening in our lives, He still wants to hear it from us. Don't just assume, "Oh, God knows that I love Him and need Him. He knows that I spent the day with my friends at (fill in the blank). He knows that I'm sad." Yes, He does know, but He wants to hear it from you!

Don't ever let yourself be fulfilled. When God fills up one little hole in your heart, be sure that another opens that He can begin work on it.

Could It Be?

Could it truly be that I am changing? Okay, yes, I have covered the fact that I'm changing a lot in another post recently, but there were so many other things that I needed to change. I feared that I would never get around to changing those things about myself, and then it happened. I said, "No." Yeah, maybe that's easy for some of you, but I pretty much always say "yes" because I want to please others. I have come to realize that the only One I need to please is my Lord, and He would never ask me for anything that I would need to say "no" to. Now, I would like you to sit and take that in for a minute, because I feel like a HUGE weight is lifted when I realize that! God will NEVER ask of you anything that you can't give or anything that you shouldn't. You can ALWAYS say yes to Him, and you need to. Anything else is so small compared to that. Most of us say "yes" to others out of fear that they will be upset, but that is THEIR problem, not ours. If it is something we need to say no to, then it is probably something we shouldn't be doing, and if they are going to be angry about that then who cares? Of course, there are times when we must say "no" and it's not because it is something bad. Perhaps we have plans already or we just aren't interested. Point is, that we know in ALL things we can go to God for guidance. We never have to make choices on our own, and that is so comforting!

So now I have rambled, when all I wanted to get across was this: If you don't say "no" to someone simply out of fear, then maybe now is the time to search your heart and work on changing that. It is time to pray that God will work on that part of your life. Say no to the negatives and say yes to God! To quote a bumper sticker that I love, "Try God. If you don't like Him, Satan will always take you back." This is very true. God will never fail you. There is a plan behind every single thing that He does, we just don't always see it.

Next step: Sending Dad a letter or having a talk with him about no longer putting up with him while drunk. Pray for me to gain the courage! Thanks! Until next time... <3

Thanks for Lending Me Your Ear

So, I apologize for the negativity of last nights post. I considered deleting it, as the venting served it's purpose whether it gets read or not, but it is a part of me, something I went through, and thus I don't think it should be deleted. If all I ever post is positive and happy, then I would be lying to you all, pretending to be a perfect person that never has bad days. That is not who I am, as God is the only perfect being to ever exist. I don't want to be perfect and I don't want anyone to ever think that I am. I hope that I am never put on a petistal by anyone, as they will be greatly disappointed when I fall off of it! So, anywho, point is that I am not perfect nor do I wish to be, and that means that I have less than perfect days. I may or may not vent about them, and when I do you can feel free to not read them. I won't be hurt, I promise. Either way, today is a good day, a day that the Lord has made!!

This is something I posted on Facebook today that I would like to share, "If the sorrow that used to rule my life is now a bad day for me, as opposed to the norm, then I can deal."

Yesterday sucked, but things are back to normal for me. A friend suggested that perhaps it is the moon, and I hadn't even thought of that. It is quite possible that the moon is the culprit, or that stress is getting to me in areas of my life. Whatever the case is, God is here for me and He is more than willing to take all of my stress and sorrow if only I am willing to give it to Him. It's SO easy to forget how amazing He is, and I do on occasion (such as last night), but then I think, "What was the matter with me? How could I forget how awesome He is?" It's weird that I can forget the millions of good things He has done with the strike of just one bad thing! I forced myself to pray through it though, and boy am I glad that I did! I woke up feeling like myself again (the new me, the version of me that I am proud to be!). I don't really have a point to this post other than how amazing God is and how easy it is to forget. So try not to forget, and even if you do, just pray through whatever is going on in your life. He is there just waiting for you to give it over to Him!!

Tired of Being the "Parent"

Yes, I have been mainly posting positive, upbeat things lately, and I wish that this were yet another of those kinds of posts. Sadly, this is more of a rant. I'm going to be honest, I feel really alone right now. I know God is with me, but I'm going to admit something that I wish weren't true - I don't feel Him right now. I feel the need to repeat that I DO know He is here, and my faith is still in tact, I just wish I could feel His peace right now.

So, here's the deal. Today has kind of sucked in general, and it sort of started yesterday I suppose. I spent almost all of Christmas day sleeping, and that depressed me. And then I was exhausted again today. I think I'm sick, so I know my body needs it, but that isn't really the point here. Point is, my day started out with me being sad. I had been internally worrying about my step bro since Christmas Eve night, about his post on Facebook that insinuated a drug overdose. Fast forward to this evening when I got on to email him a music video that I thought he should see (I'll post it at the end). Long story short, I ended up on a  news website on my computer watching a report about my step bro attacking a couple on Christmas Eve morning while on a bad drug trip. I really didn't/don't know how to react, as this isn't exactly something I've been through before. I was really sad, and to make matters worse, like an idiot, I read the comments people were making on the news report. I got mad on top of the sadness I already felt.

It was after that that I received a phone call that didn't exactly shock me. Now, I pretty much always have a certain rule in place: Don't answer any calls from Dad after 5pm, because he is probably drunk. It was around 9:30 when he called tonight, and I figured he might be drunk, but I didn't want to leave him hanging with what had happened when I was sure he was hurting. What kind of daughter would I be? I'm not realizing that I would be a smart one, because I am 22 years old and am tired of being the more mature one in a father/daughter relationship. I'm so done. If he's hurting, he can call me the next day before he has a chance to get smashed, because I am DONE letting him make my pain even worse, too. He has no right. I don't deserve having to listen to a drunken rant or crying, or him getting mad that my step bro's ex dared talk to me on Facebook. I've been tempted one too many times to cut him out of my life like my sister pretty much did. I don't think I am capable of that right now, but I am capable of choosing when to answer my phone. And eventually I pray that I will have the courage to stand up to him and tell him that I am not going to put up with it anymore. A phone call that lasted for less than 5 minutes (and in the end only resulted in him being angry and me being upset) has thrown me into a downward spiral (beyond the one I was stuck in earlier).

So, bottom line is that I need to quit giving in. I need to think about myself first. I feel so selfish saying that, but truth is, I know God has plans for me. If I keep letting these people bring me down and hurt me I am doing no one any good. I'm DONE. I just feel the need to say that, because I'm pretty much fed up right now. Okay, I'm done ranting for now. Thank you to anyone listening and good night.

Christmas Carols in Front of Shari's

So tonight was basically amazing. Yeah, any word that has the same/similar definition would be accurate. Let's start from the beginning...

First off, God was most definitely in Aimee's house tonight, and made His presence very known!! I have never worshiped like that before. I was consumed by God and it was amazing!!

Second, I spoke up three, count em, THREE times tonight. Now, for some that is no biggie. For this girl, however, it is huge! It took me over a year to really speak up at church, and by then I knew the people. I haven't known my College Group long, but I feel like I've known them forever. I gave a testimony about how I've been healed, suggested prayer for a car accident that happened near my house (life flight was called in), and then shared about an experience back in high school. I could feel God working through me, speaking through me. I was in shock with each new urge to speak, and in shock each time that I didn't feel nervous.

Third, everything fell into place. There was more than one instance where a few of us were basically thinking the exact same thing. Yeah, that was all the work of God. He put things on our hearts, and He lead us to share. It was so cool to hear "That's so weird, because God was speaking to me about something similar to that."  At one point we sang over and over for God to just come into us, and I was given an image. Three weeks ago when my healing occurred came to mind. I feel like I was in a cement mold so to speak emotionally, and God was hovering all around me. I knew He was there, I believed and loved Him, but I just didn't know how to let Him in. Three weeks ago, though, that cement wall around me came down and God poured into me!! I am amazed everyday at the changes that have occurred in me, but then again, when one finally lets God into their spirit (I don't mean when one believes in God, because Satan believes in Him too. I mean when you TRULY let Him in) it changes the person. Why am I so surprised that I have changed so much? Why in the world would I be the same person I was before God consumed my spirit? Thank God, literally, that I have done such a 180!!! My hope is that others will see this in me and want what I have - our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

And fourth, you must be wondering by now about my title. Yeah, at a little before 11:30pm we sang a few Christmas Carols (with a drum and guitar!) in front of Shari's. Right before leaving we harmonized a Worship song also. It was an experience that I will NEVER forget. And if I do, it is here to look at and remember. But really, how could I forget that??

So in summary, it is now officially Christmas Eve here, and I have been so excited for it to get here so that I can go spend time with family that I never see. I am still mega excited to go see them, but you know what? I have a HUGE family right here where I live. We aren't related by blood, but we are related because we share the same Father. We choose to be related. How cool is that?? And you know what? I get these kinds of experiences multiple times a week with amazing people that love our Lord!! I am the luckiest girl ever. I may not have jewels or monetary riches, but I have the only treasure that matters. I have God. Just that would be enough, but I even have family and friends that are the best. If I ever complain again, just smack me and remind me of how lucky I am! :)

Good night and Merry CHRISTmas!!

It's The Small Things

So, first off, to show how random I am; I had to force myself to not start singing "All The Small Things" when I wrote that. Anywho, that is not why I dropped by. I stopped in to just say a few simple things. Basically, the title sums it up. It's the small things in life that get me. They didn't used to, in fact I barely even noticed them, but my whole outlook on life has changed. This morning I spoke up in church about my healing and how my life has changed, something I wouldn't have done when I first started going there. Now, I sit on my couch listening to my mom talk to my brother on the phone while I knit a scarf and chill in a chat room with my online familia. I'm going to get some hot cocoa after I finish this post, too, with extra cool whip!! So basically, my point is this: That description sounds SO simple, right? I'm not doing anything special. I'm not at Disneyland with my friend like I originally was supposed to be, but that is okay!! I am here, at home, relaxing in God's peace. I am content and joyous and life is good! I feel the Christmas spirit despite our lack of decorating for the most part. I look forward to the coming year for the first time in over a decade! All of this comes from me just sitting here with my knitting, some chat room friends, my four legged kids, and my mom talking to my brother. SO simple, yet so fulfilling. God is awesome! <3

You Are Healed

The words that were spoken to me last night, shouted joyfully actually, proved to be true today in more than just the way that I originally thought. I'm exhausted, and therefore don't really feel like going into detail at the moment, but bottom line is this: Today I had the opportunity to go out in Portland, to Zoo Lights and then bar hopping. I went and started dreading it almost immediately, less than halfway to the zoo. I ended up being able to get into the event for free and it was fun, so that was worth it. And then we headed to get ready to go out. I have struggled with the desire to "go out" pretty much since I turned 21. Addiction runs in my family, and I have no idea if that's what it is or if I just like "the scene" but either way it wasn't a lifestyle I wanted for myself. I prayed before leaving that God would help me deal with this, to get past it, and when I felt as though I couldn't fight the urge I felt somewhat let down. And then God spoke to me, right before getting to the place we were going to get ready. He said, "Katie, what if you die tonight? What if you get in a car crash? Do you realize that that means you will no longer be able to fulfill the plans that I have for you in this lifetime?" Now, those might not have been the exact words He used because He was speaking to my heart, and I have found that to be more of a feeling than an actual hearing of words, but I got the idea just the same. I had gotten past wanting to die, as I said in my last posts, but I was also kind of in a place where I didn't care either way. I felt that if I died in a car crash or whatever, it didn't matter. Tonight I felt not only a strong feeling of not wanting to risk my life, but also finally the feeling I have been waiting to feel for so long. My mom has told me my whole life that I have suffered depression and anxiety at the hands of the enemy, that God has a huge plan for me, and that the devil was doing everything he could to keep me from filling it. I thought I had believed her, but after truly believing wholeheartedly tonight, I know that I only half believed her before. I KNOW that God has a plan for me, that I am going to do something (I have NO idea what, and I don't care, because it is in His hands, so I KNOW it will be awesome!!) important in this life. I just bought a book today on evangelizing, and it was like this, "Oh my gosh, what if I never got to study that book, to dive into God's word and the way I can share it with others. What if I leave this earth and never do what God has asked of me? He gave me all of Himself and He asks so little in return. I can't let Him down." It also, as I realized on the drive home, came down to this: I had asked God to do something for me, and He had come through faithfully with an answer. Now that He was asking me to do something (something that, in fact, was what I had prayed for), how could I not come through faithfully for Him, also? It seems so simple when you see it like this. I told my mom this tonight, "I have spent so many years desiring to hear His voice, and I have heard him a few times, but not often. Now that I feel like that wall has come down, the one I didn't even know I had up that was keeping Him out, He decided that after 22 years of having Him on mute He was going to make sure I heard everything He has to say to me right now." It sounds humorous, but it is also the truth. I am constantly hearing Him speaking to me. I am constantly finding new things to thank Him for. I am choosing life for the first time ever. "You are healed" may have been aimed at my anxiety when it was spoken last night, but I think that it meant soo much more. This is just the beginning, guys, and I can't wait to see what else God has for me on this journey!!

Where the Spirit of the Lord is....

THERE IS FREEDOM!

Me again! Yep, two days in a row and both discussing God and his vast amount of being amazing! Really, though, can you ever get enough of that topic? Didn't think so.

So, anywho, tonight (Fri night) was quite possibly the best night of my life. I can, at the very least, and with complete certainty, tell you this much: It was the most joy and peace filled night of my entire 22 1/2 years of life. It was also most possibly the most God filled.

Things moved in my life that I truly never thought would, things were affirmed for me, and I watched (almost as if  an outsider looking in) at how I have changed from the girl I was to the woman I am. This was really one of those "you had to be there" kind of nights, but I feel the need to record it. I can't forget this night, as it is most certainly a milestone for me, and the beginning of a new journey that I can't wait to start. It, of course, all ties in with yesterdays post. I did say that I knew this would be a year full of adventure! Boy was I right!!!

So, to set the scene: Tonight was my first night going to College Group - a group of college age people meeting to worship and talk about God (It is really so much more than that, but not something I can put into words). We sat and sang songs of worship, and I saw people worshiping with a joy that I had never seen before. It was awesome!

I love worship, and that was enough to convince me that this was the place to be, but then things went even deeper. We took pauses to let people speak out, either something they felt the need to say, or something God had put on their hearts. A few things were spoken that I felt applied to me, but were directed at the room (such as "I feel that there is someone here that needs to hear this."). This has happened to me before, and I always feel in awe and enjoy such moments. This, however, was not where God had decided it would stop. It was going to get deeper, much deeper.

A friend of mine spoke up and asked, "Does anyone here have anxiety, or get anxiety or panic attacks?" Now, I thought this was a question for the room, that she was wanting someone to relate to perhaps or something along those lines. I raised my hand and looked around. No one else had raised their hands. She looked over at me and told me that God had spoken to her, telling her that someone in the room suffered anxiety (me it turned out), and that He wanted her to tell me that things were about to get better, that there was healing for me, and that with God there was no need for fear. She then laid her hands on me, along with 5 others, and she prayed. Then 3 of the other girls prayed for me. After, one grabbed my hands and told me that God loves me and that she knows I am a Godly woman that has no need to be afraid. I hugged these amazing girls and we went back to worship and such. Now, I have faith in God, even when I've tried to drift from Him I have failed (thankfully!), but NEVER had I had something like this happen. My eyes could have popped out of my head at the fact that a girl that had no way of knowing about my anxiety disorder called me out on it so to speak. She KNEW and that knowledge came straight from God. God sent a message to her about little ole me. I am worthy of God speaking to me, of Him telling another human to take time of her life to be there for me. Okay, actually I'm NOT worthy, because no human is actually worthy of God's love, but that never stops Him from giving it. There was also a mesmerizing and amazing moment where every single one of us called out to God, begging His presence. 20 plus people shouting, whispering, and praying silently all at the same time for the Lord to fill us with His presence is quite the site. The things I prayed astonished me, also. The one thing I prayed over and over again that I couldn't believe I was saying was this, "God, please don't ever let me be satisfied!" Logically, this makes no sense. And for a girl with depression that has spent her life begging God to fix me, to heal me, to satisfy me so to speak, it was baffling. I never want to stop craving God, though, and that means never being fully satisfied. I think it's much deeper than that, but to be honest, I am just now beginning to understand it all. One day, though, God will reveal it to me.

The feelings that came from this evening are not feelings I can put into words. In fact, over 4 hours of worship and speaking about and to God, plus another hour or two discussing the night with my mom, have left me with a horribly sore throat and a halfway lost voice. I don't care, though, because my spirit is filled with joy and peace. I know that this is just the beginning. I have a feeling that it will not take me until next November to be able to say that I'm glad I was born. I have a feeling that these revelations were just the beginning. I have a feeling that what my friend said as I was leaving ("You are healed!!") is true. I have a feeling that God has something much bigger planned for me than I ever imagined. This might be the first time in my life that I think I can believe that my mom is right in calling me her miracle baby. This might be the first time in my life that I believe God has a plan for me. This might be the first time in my life that I am rendered speechless and yet unable to stop speaking all at once. This might be the first time.....for so many things!

Thankful to be Born

On November 23rd I made the choice to list one thing that I am thankful for each day. Now, I ended up forgetting to do so a few days, but that's not really the point of this post. The point is the motivation: What I thought it was at the time and what God has shown me it REALLY is.
Thanksgiving was coming, it was the next day in fact, and we all (or most of us) like to think of at least one thing that we are thankful on that day. I thought it was sad that we only do so once each year, when there are so many things to be thankful for! I decided that I would change that, if only for myself.
There lies what I THOUGHT my motivation was: To thank God each day, to let Him know that I am grateful for the price He paid for me, and to let those in my life know that I am thankful for them. Now, don't get me wrong, those are all great motivators, and are also true. Today God spoke to me, though, and He has told me what He wants the end result to be. He surprised me completely.
As you most likely know, I suffer from depression and have since a young age. I admit that there are a lot of times I wish I hadn't been born, or that I wish I could just drop dead. Horrible I know, but the truth nevertheless. I was still completely taken off guard when God said these words to me, "At the end of your year of thankfulness I have one thing that I want you to be thankful for. This can be the final statement, or it can be a realization in the middle. I want you to be able to say, honestly, that you are thankful that you were born."
Now, you really had to be here to experience the power of this whispering in my ear. I was completely taken aback! God knows how much I've struggled, but my reaction was still "WHAT?" At first my response was, "I can say that now! My life is improving, and I'm thankful." Then I did something that I avoid doing most of the time: I dug deeper. I dug as deep into my mind and heart as I could and truly mulled this all over. Was I really able to say that I am thankful that I was born? No. While I can honestly say that I don't want to die until God is ready to take me Home, I can't honestly say that I am glad that I was ever created. This is a step in the right direction, as that first statement was far from true at one point, but I am still not where I should be.
This started out as a fun experiment, a bit of a challenge for myself, and it has turned into an adventure. God has molded something so simple into something so huge. I now know with complete certainty that this next year is going to be full of changes and will keep me on my toes. I look forward to every minute of it, and I honestly cannot wait until the day I can shout to the world, "I am thankful that I was born!"

Um, what?

That moment when, even though you put it off til the last minute, your speech for the next day is longer than it needs to be.

^^My "Hallelujah!" picture



What Right Have I?

I try my very hardest to not be hypocritical or judgemental, to not be what people expect from Christians, to simply love and I truly do find myself to be accepting in most situations. I want people to look at me and accept me, to know that I am a Christian and not judge me for that (however I know it will happen, and am prepared), and I would expect that no matter what my beliefs were. Tonight I found my "line in the sand" so to speak, the place where I had to work to not judge, where God had to say to me, "Katie, it is not your place to judge this person. The time for judgement will come, and the job will be Mine, and Mine alone." Along with this message came God's hand on my shoulder, telling me to not walk away,, to not stop praying.
Of course, this story probably makes little sense if you do not know the back story. So here it is. Tonight I was at a Prayer/Positive Thoughts Vigil for someone I've never met. I had been told he wasn't a spiritual man, and had accepted it and was prepared. I was not, however, prepared for one of his dear friends to pull out a book that was very important to the man being prayed for. A book I never thought I would hear words from. That book was the Satanic Bible. The moment she said she would be reading from it my mom and I exchanged looks. I whispered, "That's a twist I wasn't expecting." We politely listened as I silently began to judge. I wasn't very far into my judgement before God spoke the words from the first paragraph to me. He put on my heart the desire to pray for this man and all of the people surrounding me that agreed with his beliefs, to pray that they would find the Grace of God, that they would be saved. God reminded me that no one is ever too far gone to be saved, not even a man fighting for his life.
Praying for a precious baby that has been fighting for his life is so easy. He's innocent, there's nothing to judge. Praying for a man that worships, or at least is in high agreement, with everything opposite of what I believe is anything but easy. I find this sad. I have no right to decide who lives or dies, who goes up or who goes down. There is no one unworthy of my prayers, and it saddens me that I ever thought there could be. I'm sure this won't be the last time that this happens to me, but I hope that it has opened my eyes to work harder on being the person God wants me to be.

"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgement you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you." - Matthew 7:1

"Therefore let us not judge one another, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way." - Romans 14:13

To Save a Life

So, my mom and I watched a movie tonight called "To Save a Life" and it was absolutely amazing and life changing. As someone that has been there, on the edge, ready to die with scars on my wrists, I really connected to this movie. I think everyone should watch it, Christian or not. Yes, there is a Christian message, but this is something that EVERY SINGLE PERSON can relate to, whether you are the one that feels the pain or the one that just stands by and lets it happen. I've been in both places. Sadly, almost every single person has been. We don't see what's going on around us. Even as Christians we often miss the person hurting, the person that might go home that night and take their life, or yet again cry themself to sleep. Sometimes we don't even realize we're ignoring their pain, in fact, most of the time we don't. When my depression was at its worst, and I had been on that edge a few times already, I talked about it to a few people that didn't know. Each and every single one of them told me that they had a hard time believing that because I seemed like one of the happiest people they knew. I think we get it in our head that a depressed/suicidal/self harming person is going to walk around in all black, parading the darkness inside on the outside. If you know me, you know that isn't true. So I would like to share some lyrics from the amazing song that played during the end credits, by one of my fave bands SuperChick, and challenge us all to pay more attention..to look closer. Would you even know if one of your best friends had spent half of their life on the ledge? To those that know me, unless I've told you (or you heard from someone), would you have known? We really can save a life, and not just an earthly one, but an eternal one. God put us here for a reason, and I for one don't want to stand by and let that life be wasted.

"Hero"

No one sits with him, he doesn't fit in
But we feel like we do when we make fun of him
Cause you want to belong, do you go along?
Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong
It's not like you hate him or want him to die
But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide
Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side
And a kindness from you might have saved his life

[Tag:]
Heroes are made when you make a choice

[Chorus:]
You could be a hero - heroes do what's right
You could be a hero - you might save a life
You could be a hero- you could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right, for what's right

No one talks to her, she feels so alone
She's in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm and wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way
Each moment of courage her on life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made
Heroes are made when you make a choice

[Tag]

[Chorus]

No one talks to him about how he lives
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his
Doesn't know he's the leader with the way he behaves
And others will follow the choices he's made
He lives on the edge, he's old enough to decide
His brother who wants to be him is just nine
He can do what he wants because it's his right
The choices he makes change a nine-year-old's life

[Tag]

[Chorus]

[Rap]
Little Mikey D. was the one in class who everyday got brutally harassed
This went on for years until he decided that never again would he shed another tear
So he walked through the door, grabbed a four-four out of his father's dresser drawer
And said I can't take life no more
And like that life can be lost
But this ain't even about that
All of us just sat back and watched it happen
Thinkin' it's not my responsibility to solve a problem that isn't even about me
This is our problem
This is just one of the daily scenarios which we choose to close our eyes
Instead of doing the right thing
If we make a choice and be the voice for those who won't speak up for themselves
How many lives would be saved, changed, and rearranged
Now it's our time to pick a side
So don't keep walkin' by
Not wantin' to intervene
'cause you wanna exist and never be seen
So let's wake up and change the world
Our time is now

[Chorus:]
You could be a hero (Our time is now)
Heroes do what's right
You could be a hero (Our time is now)
You might save a life
You could be a hero, you could join the fight (Our time is now)
For what's right, for what's right

Oh God, You have done it yet again!

SO, basically I don't want you guys thinking I dropped off the face of the Earth or something catastrophic like that, thus I decided to think of a topic I could blog about. Hmmm, what could that be? Well, the logical answer in this situation seems to be God, because He has been working majorly in my life recently! And friends of course, when is there ever NOT a good time to blog about friends??

Basically, the last three weeks have been amazing! I have grown closer to my friends and to God. I have grown happy (and after 12 years of dark depression, let me tell you that feeling happy is basically the best thing on this planet!). I have come out of my shell a little bit more (honestly, I didn't realize I had, but Joshua says so, so who am I to argue?). I dressed up as a "galactic warrior" and embraced my inner alien (SO FUN). I am learning to swing dance, and yes, I have an addiction to it now! ;) I got my GED (finally!!!!), and am starting school this fall. I'm even looking for a job! I don't remember the last time a summer was this awesome! I also can't believe that it has been nearly a year since all of my wonderful new friends, that have been life changing for me, came into my life!! Speaking of said friends, I had my first ever official coffee date with one today, and I had a fantastic time and can't wait to do it again! (who wants to be next?!)

So, basically, the moral of this story is quite simple: GOD IS GOOD!  I can't wait to continue this journey with Him and my friends, as we all grow closer. You guys are my family, and I thank God for each and every one of you! *hugs*

Oh, Mom, I'm Feelin the Love!

So, this is a converstation I had with my mom tonight that had us cracking up, and I thought I would share on my blog, because if I put it on facebook she will probably kill me. It all started when I read an article she showed me on how to get rid of depression, anxiety, and stress. My conclusion, based on their advice, was to watch TV in the bathtub while writing in a journal. This was the conversation:

Me: So, what they're saying is that I need to take the TV in the bath with me.

Mom: Well, I can guarantee that will get rid of your depression.

Me: Okay, help me carry the TV into the bathroom then!

Mom: No! I use that TV!

Me: *shocked face* Well fine then, I don't need your help, I can just use my hair dryer!!

Mom: I use that, too!!! Then I wouldn't have a hair dryer anymore! *pause* Or a daughter.

Oh, Mom, I sure do feel the love. Thank goodness you use most of the appliances in this house, or I'd be toast (quite literally)!!

4th of July Blues..

Okay, so I really hate to make my first post a depressing one...but it is what's on my mind, and so it shall be. So, for I don't even know how many years I had a 4th of July tradition. My former best friend lives right next door, and so I would go over there every 4th early afternoon and stay late into the night, if not all night long. It was my favorite holiday just because of this tradition. Sure we got older, and things changed somewhat. We no longer played barbies outside while we waited, or swam in the kiddie pool, but it somehow still made me feel like a kid. Last year, in late spring, our friendship came to an end. So this isn't my first 4th without them, but last year I made plans with someone else, so this is my first 4th without hanging with friends at all. It's been a really rough day for me, and while I never thought I'd say this, I'm so thankful it is almost over. I wish I could end this with some miraculously happy ending, but the only thing happy I can say in all of this is that, while I may not have had any friends to spend today with, I have been blessed with some very amazing friends over the past couple years. I suppose one little day a year doesn't compare much to the rest of my life that I hope I will get to spend with these people I have grown to care so much about.

Happy 4th, everyone.